Question:
Hello Doctor — I feel confused and I hope you can answer me. I am a twenty-one-year-old young woman. I fell in love with a young man and we exchanged feelings of love to the point that I went out with him for an entire day without him touching me. We also speak of love without the knowledge of my family and brothers. After I went out with him, my brothers were not pleased with the situation and refused my marriage to him, no matter what.
What is the solution? We exchange feelings of love but what is the ruling on my going out with him without my family’s knowledge and for an entire day? And what is the Islamic ruling on our speaking words of love without the knowledge of my family and brothers? I am convinced that my brothers are refusing my marriage to him because of the incident of my going out with him. And I do not know which way to lean toward my beloved, or toward my brothers and family who are refusing my marriage to him after our matter became known?
Answer:
Fatwa No. 8 — Love and Secret Meetings Before Marriage
Question:
Hello Doctor — I feel confused and I hope you can answer me. I am a twenty-one-year-old young woman. I fell in love with a young man and we exchanged feelings of love — to the point that I went out with him for an entire day without him touching me. We also speak of love without the knowledge of my family and brothers. After I went out with him, my brothers were not pleased with the situation and refused my marriage to him, no matter what.
What is the solution? We exchange feelings of love — but what is the ruling on my going out with him without my family’s knowledge and for an entire day? And what is the ruling on our speaking words of love without the knowledge of my family and brothers? I am convinced that my brothers are refusing my marriage to him because of the incident of my going out with him. And I do not know which way to turn — toward my beloved, or toward my brothers and family who are refusing my marriage to him after our matter became known?
Answer:
Al-ḥamdu lillāhi rabb al-ʿālamīn. To proceed:
Your going out with this young man to whom you are not bound by a marriage contract and your exchanging romantic speech (aḥādīth al-ghazal) with him are among the prohibited acts that the Islamic law does not permit for no man is ever alone with a woman but the Shayṭān is the third of them, as the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said. ¹
The Assembly of Muslim Jurists of America (AMJA) has issued a resolution on this subject, which we cite for you verbatim:
“It is not permissible to exchange romantic feelings between the sexes before marriage, as this is a means leading to temptation( fitnah) and a pretext for falling into indecency — particularly in our time, in which the authority of religion over souls has weakened, morals have deteriorated, and moral values have declined. There is no objection to speaking with a non-maḥram (marriageable) woman appropriately and with propriety, without seclusion or suspicion, when there is a legitimate reason (maqtaḍā) for doing so — whether of necessity or recognised need, whether religious or worldly in nature.”
It was among the ill-omens of this sin that your family became a barrier between you and him when they discovered the matter.
Therefore: cease from this immediately, and renew your covenant with Allah Exalted and Majestic that you will never return to it. Perform istikhārah to Allah Glorified and Exalted regarding your marriage to this young man, and ask Him Glorified and Exalted to open the hearts of your family to accepting him as a suitor for you, if that is good for you in your religion and your worldly life. You may seek the intercession of those you believe carry weight and acceptance with your family — from among the people of knowledge or esteemed people in the community around you.
If there is good in this man , Allah will make it easy and ease is a sign of divine permission, as they say. If it is otherwise, Allah will turn him away from you and replace him, by His grace and mercy, with one who is better . We ask Allah to grant you repentance and forgiveness.
And Allah Most High knows best.
Footnote
(1) Recorded by Aḥmad in his Musnad (1/18), ḥadīth no. 114; by al-Tirmidhī in Kitāb al-Fitan, chapter “What Has Been Related Concerning Adherence to the Community,” ḥadīth no. 2165; and by al-Ḥākim in his Mustadrak (1/199), ḥadīth no. 390 — on the authority of ʿUmar ibn al-Khaṭṭāb (may Allah be pleased with him), that the Prophet (ﷺ) said:
“Let none of you ever be alone with a woman — for the Shayṭān is the third of them.”
Al-Tirmidhī said: “This is a ḥasan ṣaḥīḥ ḥadīth.” Ibn Muflīḥ cited it in al-Ādāb al-Sharʿiyyah (1/302) and said: “It was recorded by Aḥmad and al-Tirmidhī with a sound (ṣaḥīḥ) chain on the authority of ʿUmar.” Al-Albānī cited it in Ṣaḥīḥ Sunan al-Tirmidhī, ḥadīth no. 2165.
